Being “transparent” is a quality I developed while in prison. Yes … prison.
There, at any moment, people were either fighting, arguing or simply screaming. Initially I found it very difficult, nearly impossible, to escape my own inner dialogue and demons, not to mention the chaos constantly swirling around me. Very difficult to find privacy, respite or peace, any time or any where. Especially while under constant surveillance. You see, only months before, I was a practicing attorney and executive with a solid income and a stellar reputation. Now, to the world I was just an inmate, a criminal, stripped of identity and importance. Kept away in a place of sadness, shame, disappointment, defeat, anger and hate, where everybody is afraid, aggressive, competitive, hopeless or suspicious. I had to find a way to cope. To stay sane.
I had lost everything. But while I was behind bars, I discovered an invaluable gift I didn’t know I had: My self.
People are very hard to deal with when they are constantly on edge. But in this unlikely place, I found solace. I was often asked how I could be so peaceful and calm all the time, how I could get along with everybody, how I could be so content with my life in the midst of a “hurricane”.
How, indeed.
Hard to believe, but in my desperate attempt to stay sane, I simply shifted my perception from “Oh my fucking god……. What have I done? Why did this happen to me? …… My life is over!…… I’m so angry!……… Get me the hell out of here …” to “What is the opportunity behind this situation? Nothing is worth disturbing my peace. So, what can I learn from this and help others in the same time?” So I developed “transparency,” a quality to let the energy of emotions flow through me. Really!
At some point fairly early in my incarceration, I made the decision that I would not engage in any of the drama, stories or stress of prison life. Because I value my peace of mind and my health more than anything else. Every day, I approached challenging situations with compassion, non-judgment and humor. Which resulted in positive, peaceful outcomes.
In prison, I was at peace. Even quite happy at times.
You’re probably asking, “Happy??? You’ve clearly lost your mind! How on earth can anyone be happy in prison???” Let me explain.
First of all, let’s come to an understanding of the distinction between Pleasure and Happiness. We often confuse the two.
Pleasure feels good. We experience pleasure physically, in our body, through our senses, through visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory delights. Think of a good meal, a visit to a museum, a walk in the park, the ego rush of a compliment or a big win, a fun concert, hot sex. However delicious, beautiful, sensual, escapist, etc., pleasure is always short-lived. Generally it goes away when the source of the pleasure goes away, when the physical stimulation ends.
On the other hand, we experience happiness on a much deeper level; Not merely the pleasure we feel through our senses and our body (though, paradoxically, the physical can also be a conduit for transcending the physical, but that’s a different blog post), but rather through our soul. When we walk in love, compassion, empathy, peace, generosity.
Yes, happiness occurs at a deeper level than the superficial, purely physical realms of pleasure, and is much longer lasting. Unlike the physical, it is always accessible; there’s nothing to buy or consume or possess. This is true joy, and it needs no external stimulants of any kind.
Many of us make the mistake of thinking that pursuing pleasures in this Garden of Earthly Delights will lead to happiness. While eating an ice cream cone or buying a new car or getting high or winning the lottery or besting someone or finally getting married may feel good in the moment or even beyond the moment, these things will not bring us long-lasting happiness or peace or joy. However, when we set the intention to wake up in peace, to come from a place of joy, to live in love, we develop a strong, long-lasting sense of well being for ourselves and others. It comes from within. Then the need for physical experiences of pleasure – which invariably leads to pain when the pleasure wanes – dissipates. (In fact, scientists have found that the more we experience physical pleasure, the more we become numb to its effects, and the more we crave in order to recreate the original strong sensations. This is how we develop addictions.) When we create our own internal, genuine happiness, our mood changes, our overall health improves, our energy levels rise, we crave less and create more.
There is compelling research that proves human beings come equipped for cooperation, compassion and generosity. Science of the unconscious shows that we were created with three goals in life: to survive, to reproduce and to cooperate.
In The Book of Joy, the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu explain the 8 Pillars of Joy. They identify four qualities of the mind – perspective, humility, humor and acceptance – and four qualities of the heart – forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and generosity – that bring us joy. Or pain. Depending entirely on us, on how we choose to see and experience things.
We will explore the four head-centered qualities of the 8 Pillars of Joy in Part II, and the heart-centered remaining four in Part III.
