Have you ever asked yourself, “What the hell am I doing?”
Have you ever asked yourself, Why am I an attorney or a doctor or an accountant?
Why am I stuck in this job?”
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I satisfied with my life? Am I “happy”? Why aren’t I happy? What do I really want?”
Many of us have chosen a profession or business because it has been socially mandated by our parents or school or community or country. Or because we’ve been told that it’s trendy or profitable. Not because it aligns with our values and talents and desire to do the work.
To the outside world we appear “successful”. But what is success? Do we feel fulfilled or empty? Do we love what we do? Do we enjoy that success? Or is it just another label stamped on our forehead by society?
Have you ever listened to your soul?
Who are we?
Why do we do what we do?
Have you ever listened to your soul?
I was born and raised in Bucharest, Romania, into a family that was all about achievements and goals. I was taught from a young age to work hard and study even harder to get to a good social and professional position, one that promised financial stability.
Growing up in a communist country where personal will, freedom and privacy were nonexistent, finding and expressing myself was difficult, if not impossible. After the fall of Ceausescu, Romania’s iron-fisted Communist dictator, new doors opened. My natural inclinations lean towards art and creativity, and I hoped to use those talents and tendencies to become a fashion designer. My family, however, had other plans for me. My father insisted I needed a profession that would provide security and pave my way up the ladder of success. So instead of art school I attended the local Law School.
I soon realized that the fallen communist state gave birth to a new but terribly organized “democracy.” Practicing law in a corrupt country could not possibly align with my idea of justice, or my personal mission of serving the greater good.
My disappointment with my own country turned into an opportunity. An unexpected visit to New York opened the door to a new beginning. Rather suddenly, I found myself living the American dream. Everything I wanted came to me fairly easily. I was married, had a good job, and continued my education. When my daughter was born, I started my own paralegal and translations business, and landed an even better job as CFO of a fast growing taxi business! Although I was working dawn til dusk, I felt that it was worth the effort. For myself, my family. my purpose.(?)
I was accepted into Cardozo Law School’s Masters of Law program, which I completed in 2006. I passed the bar and was admitted to practice law in New York in 2010. I built a strong practice in the Romanian community. As an immigrant myself, I was delighted with every happy client, and suffered with the ones in pain. My practice expanded, and I was able to assist even more people. Among various areas of law, I helped fellow Romanian nationals get legal status in the US.
Then, the year 2017 ushered in a series of events, some good, some not so good. The good included prestigious awards such as “The 10 Best Immigration Attorneys in the US” and “The Top Most Successful Women in Romania”. The not-so-good included a barrage of negative publicity, the decline of the taxi industry, and the increasingly unfavorable political view on immigration. (you need a bit more here about why you became enmeshed in the legal quagmire)
In November 2018, following a jury trial, I was found guilty of several serious crimes to which I had plead “not guilty”. Yes, I made mistakes. I worked for some shady characters who did indeed take many financial and legal liberties. I cut some corners to expedite processes and streamline the business. But in my mind, the charges wildly exaggerated, excessive and unjustly punitive.
I eventually found myself locked in an ugly cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center on Park Row. It was here – alone, powerless, stripped of titles and status and money and dignity – that I started to ask myself: “Who am I”?
To avoid losing my mind, I chose to look beyond the disastrous situation I found myself in and instead began to do some serious soul searching. I looked within and asked myself, “Am I a good person or a criminal? What is a criminal? Who determines that? Why do good people do certain things that are considered bad? What is punishment? Does it work? Was justice served? What was I thankful for? “ After all, it was Thanksgiving week.
You see, until that moment, I was not happy with my achievements, not grateful enough for what I had, and definitely not enjoying anything that I did. And then I had an epiphany. For the first time in my life, I realized that in any situation, there is always something to be thankful for. I was thankful to be alive, I was thankful for my daughter’s and my loved ones’ health. I was thankful for friendships. I was even grateful for the moment, the experience, for the air I breathed and water I drank. For years, I had worked maniacally but never enjoyed neither my accomplishment, nor the material comforts that came with my “success.” I never felt grateful. I just hungered for more: more work, more money, more recognition, more titles. You see, I did not have the presence of mind to truly feel blessed with who I was becoming. I was empty!
During the two years and nine months I was confined, I met many people from all walks of life. I’ve noticed a disturbing pattern: A void, an unhappiness that makes us blind, an intense craving for more in order to fill an abyss that so many of us seem to have inside. I had alot of time to wonder, “Who are we? Why do we crave achievements, goals and money if they don’t bring us happiness, satisfaction, and peace? What is the purpose of life?”
During my time in prison I also discovered the joys and benefits of writing. Without this creative, cleansing practice, I doubt I would have been able to cope with and transcend my situation. It allowed me to access my long-repressed creative side. I spent thousands of hours studying, analyzing and interpreting my dreams, trying to better understand my emotions, fears, beliefs, values, habits and behaviors. Writing allowed me to begin discovering the mysteries of my inner self. Which led to forgiveness, of myself and others. To finding and feeling freedom, to owning a sense of love and belonging to purpose. I also wrote about other people’s stories and experiences. For instance, I compiled a book of inmates’ prison food recipes that kept us alive, body, mind and spirit, and put together my own cookbook. I wrote a book about my experiences and transformation, as well as two other fiction books, yet to be published. I meditated a lot. And I read and studied. Dozens of books, on psychology, dreams, philosophy, and spirituality, that I may never have set eyes upon if not for my stay behind bars. It was in prison I discovered that the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius and I agree, “What a privilege it is to wake up in the morning, to love, to think, and to enjoy.” I too believe that this is the true meaning of a purposeful and meaningful life.
At sentencing, the Judge made it very clear that my prison term was not meant to prevent me from repeating my offenses; it was meant to make me an “example” to others. And I am choosing the example I will be.
I realized that by losing everything I had worked for, including my physical freedom, I was granted access to my true purpose in this life. Yes, I would be an example – I would use my experience to inspire others, to help them avoid my mistakes and misjudgments, to support them in realizing their own purpose in this life. Most of the time we choose a profession or actions because they are socially mandated or trendy or profitable. Not because they align with our values and talents and desire to do the work. To the outside world we are “successful”. But what is success? Do we feel successful? Do we love what we do, do we enjoy that success? Or is it just another label stamped on our forehead by society?
I became a life coach so that I can share what I had the privilege to discover while in prison, so that I may help people. I developed a formula for easy transformation. Nobody has to hit rock bottom like I did. A.P.P.L.E. – Algorithm to a Peaceful, Purposeful Life Explained – is a platform for people to open up and be true to themselves. And find what they really want to do in this life.
My intention with this blog is to help people like you realize and discover that we all hold our own destiny within ourselves. The power to shape our lives, to find happiness and love, is right here, right now.
