As human beings, one of our most defining traits is the ability to form meaningful relationships with others. Unfortunately, this also means we must often confront difficult conversations, from apologizing for our mistakes to expressing deep-seated emotions like love. In this article, we’ll explore why these conversations can be so challenging and offer helpful tips for navigating them more successfully.
Ho’oponopono
One of the most challenging subjects I encountered as a mindset coach in my practice is the concept of forgiveness.
It’s no secret that apologizing, asking for forgiveness, forgiving others or ourselves, and saying “I love you” is incredibly difficult. Each of these acts requires a certain amount of vulnerability and courage, two qualities that don’t always come naturally to us. And yet, to maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and those we care about, we must learn how to do these things effectively.
I found the Hawaiian meditation for forgiveness very helpful, called “Ho’oponopono” (pronounced HO-oh-Po-no-Po-no), which helped me on several occasions find comfort, heal old pain profoundly, and clear my energy. I used it in forgiving myself and healing relationships with people at an energetic level. We do this practice within ourselves, not sharing it with others unless we want to.
I referred this practice to my clients, and I shared my experiences. I was surprised to realize that many people struggle with the concept of forgiveness– both themselves and others and avoid any discussion or work that involves forgiveness. And I asked myself why?
This ancient Hawaiian teaching functions as a communication concept for reconciliation and a tool for restoring self-love and balance. Ho’oponopono roughly translates to “cause things to move back in balance” or “make things right.”
Please forgive me
I am sorry
I love you
Thank you
It is a straightforward but powerful tool to cleanse the body of guilt, shame, haunting memories, ill will, or bad feelings that keep the mind focused on negative thoughts. Chanting these words as a forgiveness practice is also profoundly resonant, as it tends to penetrate our inner monologue over time.
Speak these words like a mantra to yourself a few times. Continue until you start feeling them. It is the ultimate taking of responsibility: repentance, forgiveness, compassion, and love for your life.
We cannot forgive another until we forgive ourselves.
So why exactly is it so difficult to apologize, ask for forgiveness, even from ourselves, and say “I love you”?
One big reason is that we often associate these acts with weakness or defeat. Admitting that we’ve done something wrong can feel like an admission of failure, and asking for forgiveness can make us feel like we’re begging for approval. Saying “I love you” can also be scary because it opens us up to our emotions and fears, which we are unwilling to face.
Another reason these acts are so tricky is that they usually require us to admit that we maybe made a mistake and take responsibility for our actions. This can be hard to do when we would rather blame someone else for the situation or run for the hills. It’s much easier to stay in denial and keep our mouths shut than it is to face up to our own mistakes and shortcomings.
Finally, many of us fear intimacy and abandonment, making it difficult for us to open up and share our true feelings with others. We worry that we will be judged, rejected, or abandoned if we reveal ourselves too much. This fear keeps us from connecting with others and ourselves on a deep level. We use our ego-based, false bravura self to keep others from seeing, possibly hurting, and most frightening – rejecting – the actual, delicate, vulnerable being that is our true self.
Psychological Barriers to Apology and Forgiveness
Why do we avoid apologizing, forgiving, asking for forgiveness, or saying “I love you,” even when we really want to?
Do you have a knot in your stomach, feel nauseated, have sweaty palms, or feel like crawling into a hole like a snake?
Are any of these symptoms familiar to you when you try to converse honestly with someone?
There are several psychological barriers that we all have to some extent.
- One is the “nonapologies” that we use when we feel guilty, regardless if we have done
something wrong. We act defensively by entering into a tirade of blaming, justifying, or minimizing the damage. It is rooted in the victim complex, where we believe everybody has something against us. Nonapologies only create and expand a conflict. We often do not use the defenses maliciously; they are just triggers of our fears.
Although admitting we did something wrong or acknowledging the emotion is difficult, living with that guilt may be even more damaging. Taking responsibility, assuming the consequences, and asking for forgiveness relieve us from inexplicable pain, resentment, and anger.
- Another psychological barrier that can prevent us from apologizing is the sunk
cost fallacy. This is when we think that because we’ve already invested so much time or energy into something, we can’t stop now, or we’ll have wasted all of that previous investment. So, instead of cutting our losses, apologizing that things didn’t go as expected, and moving on, we dodge the apology and continue with the situation just because we don’t want to feel like all of our efforts up until this point have been wasted.
- Another psychological barrier that gets in the way of asking for forgiveness is called
reactance. This is a big one, and most of us experienced it one way or another. This occurs when we feel someone is trying to control us or take away our freedom somehow. We do not like people telling us what to do, even if it is part of our job or responsibility. This is the child that eats as much candy as possible just because he was told not to because too much sugar is not good. According to the American Psychological Association, the theory of psychological reactance is when people feel coerced into a specific behavior, they will react against the coercion, often by demonstrating an increased preference for the restrained behavior, and may perform the behavior opposite to that desired. This explains our behavior when we dig our heels in and refuse to act out of a need to maintain our autonomy. Freudians call this psychological defense mechanism “reaction formation,” in which a person goes beyond denial and behaves the opposite way they think or feel.
- Finally, the fear of intimacy makes it hard for us to say, “I love you.” When
we open ourselves up emotionally to someone else, we risk getting hurt if they don’t reciprocate those feelings. It’s easier to keep those emotions bottled up inside, protected from damage from the outside world, where no one can cause us any pain.
However, just because these psychological barriers exist doesn’t mean we’re powerless over them. With awareness, practice, and effort, we can recognize and work through these mental obstacles, allowing us to finally be open about how we feel.
Cultural Expectations Regarding Apologies & Forgiveness
So much research and information in this field would fill several libraries. Each culture has distinct rules on forgiveness and expressing emotion when forgiving, apologizing, or expressing feelings. In some cultures, apologies are seen as a sign of weakness, so people may be reluctant to do them. Others offer forgiveness but never ask for it. It all depends on the traditions, cultures, and languages. Some languages don’t even have words for some emotions; others have a dozen ways of expressing their feelings. Some cultures are individualistic, like the western countries, primarily for themselves, where forgiveness is a subjective choice. Others are collective cultures, like Asian and African countries, where the good and well-being of the joint are valued, and forgiveness is expected to preserve social harmony, regardless of personal emotional feelings. Religion encourages apologies, forgiveness, and expression of emotions in other countries and cultures, and other cultures are over-apologetic. Saying “I love you” has a broad emotional spectrum worldwide. In some cultures, like the US, we overuse the word “love.” In other cultures, not that the feeling of love is missing, but they express it differently, not through words.
The Vulnerability Involved in Declaring Our Feelings Out Loud
It’s no secret that being vulnerable is scary, and it requires great courage to put ourselves out there, especially regarding our feelings. After all, we can’t control how others react to what we share. Will they reject us? Laugh at us? Judge us? Or……. leave us?
When we keep our feelings to ourselves, we avoid all of that potential pain. But in doing so, we also miss the chance for intimacy, connection, and healing. Opening up is hard, but it’s worth it. Here’s why:
1. It strengthens relationships. When we’re honest, we create a deeper level of trust. We also allow the people in our lives to support us through our difficulties.
2. It leads to growth. Trying new things is always a little uncomfortable, but it’s how we learn and grow. If we’re never vulnerable, we’ll never stretch beyond our comfort levels and discover what we can do and feel.
3 . It allows us to be our true selves. So often, we put up walls and hide behind them because we’re afraid of being judged, rejected, or abandoned. But when we are vulnerable, we can finally let down our defenses and be who we are. And that is an incredibly freeing experience.
Strategies to Help Make Apology
Here are a few strategies that may help to overcome fears and take that first step:
1. Be honest with yourself about why you’re finding it difficult. What are your fears and concerns? Once you’ve identified them, try to address them head-on. If you’re afraid of rejection, for example, remind yourself that the worst that can happen is that the other person says no. And even if they do, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, or your relationship is doomed.
2. Talk to someone who understands what you’re going through. It can be helpful to talk to somebody who has been in a similar situation before and can offer some insight and encouragement.
3. Write out what you want to say beforehand. This can help ease your nerves and ensure you don’t forget anything important when the time comes to speak up.
4. Practice saying the words out loud. This may feel silly, but it can help to get comfortable saying them before you tell them to another person.
5. Take your time. You don’t need to say everything all at once. Don’t rush your apology, forgiveness, or expression of love; taking your time can make it easier; get used to the feeling, and give the other person time to process what you’re saying.
In conclusion, remember that when you express your feelings, you express your power and courage. It takes strength and vulnerability to take that first step, but try and trust in your decision.
